Did you know? 1 in 7 Moms and 1 in 10 Dads suffer from postpartum depression. Reaching out to speak with someone is the best way to help determine what path is best for you. Consider reaching out to Postpartum International Support by calling 1.800.944.4773, texting 503.894.9453 or visitinghttp://www.postpartum.net/

Dear Friend with Postpartum Depression Who Doesn’t Think She Has Postpartum Depression,

I don’t know if you see yourself. But I see you. And I’m scared for you.

Why?

Because I’ve been there. And I almost didn’t make it out alive. I know, I know - this is different for you. It was for me, too. I could get out of bed. I could fake the smile - hell, once in awhile I even had a genuine smile. I changed my cloth diapered baby, cooked dinner from scratch, posted all the pretty pictures on Instagram; if you could see a physical example of a ‘functioning post-birth mother’, I can assure you, I was what you were looking for. I even filled out that 6 week checkup form with flying colors because, I mean...come on.

I made sure no one could see me inside.

Eight weeks postpartum, at the pumpkin patch with my family. The meltdown in the middle of Whole Foods afterwards is memorable.

I had been told about the ‘scary, spooky PPD’ stories. What I was feeling wasn’t anything quite like I had heard, so at the time I thought that wasn’t what I was going through. Whatever it was, I was ‘just was in a funk’. Something I needed to adjust my attitude in the bathroom quickly and then continue to take on the day. After all, I was just adjusting. I was just tired. I was just...failing.

I want you to know that Postpartum Depression is SO difficult to see and define, that if you *are* struggling, you will likely not fit nice and neat into a predetermined box. And like an abusive relationship, it will be easy to make excuses, brush off ‘isolated’ incidents, and accept the voice in your head that keeps apologizing, saying ‘It will never be this way again. That was the last time. I promise.’

No, I can’t see your soul. Maybe I’m way off base. But if the fact that I see even a glimmer of me in you scares the hell of me. I don’t want this pain for you and I wish I could do more. A side effect of not getting help when it is needed means that this can have life-long, lasting effects; so, yes, I am coming to you as a person who has never completely healed - and as someone who is begging you to consider a different path.

I  want you to know that I see you, I feel with you, and I. LOVE. YOU. I may not be able to heal you but I still want you to know you can come to me and just be. Not the ‘You’ pre baby, not the ‘You’ you thought you would be post baby - the You that you are right now.

I need you. I need you to be honest with me. I need you to be honest with yourself. With your significant other. Your doctor. With anyone and everyone who will listen. Maybe we won’t all understand and we may make mistakes. I just want you to know it’s all with good intention, with the attempt of showing you how much we love you.

Just please don’t wait.

Three weeks postpartum, first family outing with my newborn, Washington D.C.

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture, and is proud to serve on The Queen’s Court.

Aloha Calling - A Limited Life in O‘ahu is a personal blog series written by Maryland Artist and Photographer, Teresa Robertson. Gifted the opportunity to reside in O‘ahu with her family for 3 months, Teresa wanted to provide herself and others a way to not take this gift for granted and ensure that her experience was one to learn from, reflect on, and teach others. Through these words, she hopes to do just that.

Someone recently asked me why I haven’t been posting as much about our time in Oahu as originally promised.  The truth is, it’s often on my mind but because I’m not a ‘Writer’, part of the reason is my intimidation, knowing I won’t do the island, and its people, the justice deserved.

Jen Dombrowski speaks during the first annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month Walk on Magic Island, Oahu.

We’ve been fairly busy out here, much more than I’m sure I give us credit for. Pretty on par for what I would be doing on the mainland. The first few weeks were honestly a bit hard for me to get my footing, as I wrestled my unrealistic ideas of what daily life would be like here with 2 additional people depending on me, trying to tackle my personal goals at the same time, and live a bunch of life in as little time as possible, only to be stalled by limited transportation and my own frustration that I haven’t been ‘enough’.

The biggest reason for not keeping up has been forgetting my who my audience is and why I intended to keep up this blog in the first place. It occured to me shortly after we arrived that what I would be doing here is exactly what I would be doing at home - mom-ing, working, volunteering, investing in human interest stories, finding out more in regards to people’s culture, how policies and laws have protected and destroyed precious land, resources, and heritage.

Basically, everything that I am asked, told, or ignored for talking about. So why continue a series of writing that no one will read, anyway?

Locals strike for reasonable pay and healthcare. https://www.unitehere5.org/

Because someone will. And it matters. If there is one thing I am becoming aware of here is how much I belong and my voice is still needed, my children will be able to do more than me if I guide them and we deserve to feel nurtured in our calling to love and support others. Maybe one of you would like to join us, as well.

xo

Teresa

Lei making class with the talented Meleana Estes http://meleana.com/

“Aloha au ia ‘oe ”

— I love you

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture, and is proud to serve on The Queen’s Court.

Aloha Calling - A Limited Life in O‘ahu is a personal blog series written by Maryland Artist and Photographer, Teresa Robertson. Gifted the opportunity to reside in O‘ahu with her family for 3 months, Teresa wanted to provide herself and others a way to not take this gift for granted and ensure that her experience was one to learn from, reflect on, and teach others. Through these words, she hopes to do just that.

Sunset on the west side near Pōkaʻī Bay Beach Park.

Only 2 more days of school! Only 2 more days of work! The countdown to the adventure begins!

Let’s GO! GO! GO!

xo

Teresa

“Fast or speedy”

— Wikiwiki

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture, and is proud to serve on The Queen’s Court.

Aloha Calling - A Limited Life in O‘ahu is a personal blog series written by Maryland Artist and Photographer, Teresa Robertson. Gifted the opportunity to reside in O‘ahu with her family for 3 months, Teresa wanted to provide herself and others a way to not take this gift for granted and ensure that her experience was one to learn from, reflect on, and teach others. Through these words, she hopes to do just that.

Hiking through the island. O‘ahu, Hawaii

Today is the first day it has really started to hit me that we are leaving and the ‘how am I supposed to sleep from excitement?!’ feelings have started creeping in. I find myself planning my work and social life beyond our leave date in Maryland, only to back up several steps to remember what is about to be our new normal.

I am hoping to be able to work a bit while we are on the island and plan some Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Q&A sessions to recruit a small team while I am there (side note: for those who have been following along, I am secretly thrilled that our New York City, DC, Atlanta, and Orlando speaking commitments for NILMDTS has been pushed to spring, which means I can still attend!).

What I haven’t done is stay true to my commitment to start learning more about the culture of Hawaii. I know I should give myself a bit of grace that I’ve been wrapping up clients, last minute birth and newborn sessions, prior commitments, packing, and...life. But even one word a day shouldn’t be so hard. Joining a local social media group, finding some hidden gems, local shops, etc.

It’s not the end of the world or even something to stress about. I do think it’s worth noting, however, how easy it is to be so wrapped up in our own sense of ‘normal’ to forget to be educated on what exists beyond our bubbles.

Note to self: Remember to find out where the ‘Native Lands Matter’ shirt originated.

xo

Teresa

“Good fortune, blessing”

— Pōmaika`i

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture, and is proud to serve on The Queen’s Court.

Aloha Calling - A Limited Life in O‘ahu is a personal blog series written by Maryland Artist and Photographer, Teresa Robertson. Gifted the opportunity to reside in O‘ahu with her family for 3 months, Teresa wanted to provide herself and others a way to not take this gift for granted and ensure that her experience was one to learn from, reflect on, and teach others. Through these words, she hopes to do just that.

Rocks and Lava off the coast of Oahu

We are a family on the go. This has always been a part of our identity, engrained in both my husband and me. Our son moved schools every year until the 7th grade and the home we currently reside in is the longest I’ve ever lived in. I moved 5 states away when I was 17, so when it was college time for our first born it seemed totally normal that he go off and explore life a plane ride away.

Through our journeys as a family there have been times we’ve been together and times we’ve been apart. We’ve broken each others hearts due to distance, only to heal through inevitable reunions.

I’d forgotten that heartache.

I’ve been asked the last 3.5 months how things have felt with my son gone - was I sad? With many moves come many new friends, many of which don’t know most of our story. Sad? Three months in? That’s not a thing in this family.

Until my boy told me he was homesick 11 days before I was to leave for Hawaii.

My life has made a major transition since we’ve moved to Maryland. It’s been stable. It’s been consistent. And that has been a little (a lot) uncomfortable. It does seem a little ironic that as soon as we chose to make our life here more permanent, one of our children would pick up the pieces we had dropped and move on.

I never thought Hawaii would bring me a sense of belonging away from the island but maybe that’s the plan.

Tomorrow I'll be miles from here

Ain't nothing to me

Lord I was born with a suitcase in my hand

Living in a life that few could understand

Sometimes it gets so confusing that I don't know where I am

But I always know who I'm with

I'm with the band

xo

Teresa

“Ancestral spirit, family or personal gods”

— ‘Aumakua

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture, and is proud to serve on The Queen’s Court.

Aloha Calling - A Limited Life in O‘ahu is a personal blog series written by Maryland Artist and Photographer, Teresa Robertson. Gifted the opportunity to reside in O‘ahu with her family for 3 months, Teresa wanted to provide herself and others a way to not take this gift for granted and ensure that her experience was one to learn from, reflect on, and teach others. Through these words, she hopes to do just that.

Hawaiian Lei

I swear, I’m not complaining. I’m not unhappy. But the last several days have been a rollercoaster of emotion and I feel like it’s ok to say that.

When I first envisioned this blog, I wanted to make sure I was mindful to write about the emotion of our experience in Oahu, not just the technicalities. If each day brought challenges related strictly to our adventure, I’m sure I could find time to do that; however, when you throw the ‘move’, The Hubs government work, my photography business, first day(s) of school, college kid drama, car breakdowns, and Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...it’s hard to find that ‘best moment’ to write.

So, I will say, emotions fluctuate greatly throughout the day - and if my words sound a little more like a manual, it was a day I was grateful to write at all. If you can feel the emotion in my voice, the day was a bit more calm.

Housing has been a little more challenging than we anticipated. If it were just The Hubs and I, living arrangements would be less of an issue. Living in Hawaii with limited budget, limited time, and The Girls makes for some slightly fine-tuned planning. Again, I will stress, nothing bad, we just want to be smart.

As for my feelings on leaving, I’ve been a bit surprised at myself. Getting back into the school routine has felt good and I find myself thinking through the day, ‘Aw, I think I’m going to miss this.’ As I mentioned previously, it’s such a welcomed feeling, though, knowing that I will be returning and making a mental note to myself to look forward to these things later down the line.

I can’t help but wonder if part of our purpose in leaving is to really know how much we belong where we are at. Which is awesome and unique and an extremely generous gift to have been given.

xo

Teresa

“I am fine”

— Maika‘i no au

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture, and is proud to serve on The Queen’s Court.

Aloha Calling - A Limited Life in O‘ahu is a personal blog series written by Maryland Artist and Photographer, Teresa Robertson. Gifted the opportunity to reside in O‘ahu with her family for 3 months, Teresa wanted to provide herself and others a way to not take this gift for granted and ensure that her experience was one to learn from, reflect on, and teach others. Through these words, she hopes to do just that.

Tree Branch in O‘ahu

The last several years have been a conflict of parenting, spous-ing, providing, and creating. While I am constantly trying to be mindful in life, I am simultaneously working to extremes just to simplify, and what love is leftover from my children, to my husband, to my volunteer work leaves my artistic soul depleated.

But Oahu.

This is my chance. This will be my breath. My rejuvenation.

xo

Teresa

“Smart, Clever, Intelligent”

— Akamai

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture, and is proud to serve on The Queen’s Court.

Aloha Calling - A Limited Life in O‘ahu is a personal blog series written by Maryland Artist and Photographer, Teresa Robertson. Gifted the opportunity to reside in O‘ahu with her family for 3 months, Teresa wanted to provide herself and others a way to not take this gift for granted and ensure that her experience was one to learn from, reflect on, and teach others. Through these words, she hopes to do just that.

Hiking through the Manoa Falls Trail. Honolulu, Hawaii.

I either fell asleep last night or woke up this morning thinking, ‘I wish we were there already.’ While there is certainly enough to take care of before we leave, I feel like I wouldn't mind knocking this out fairly quickly.

Mentally, I am fighting from checking out of our lives here completely; though, I will say, it’s been incredible to see some seeds already being planted for when we return. Lately I’ve been replaying the idea that God often will provide rest before work and have seen this at play in other scenarios. I wonder if the coming three months are another one of these gifts and look forward to resting, with purpose.

After our last visit, I’ve dreamt of volunteering in a way that would teach me more about the customs, land, and/or history, should we ever return to Oahu for a lengthy stay. One of the places I assumed I would spend time is the Bishop Museum, which would cover all of these. However, since it looks like we will be staying a considerable bus ride from that location (Drew will be provided a car to get to work but The Girls and I will be relying on The Bus, Oahu’s phenomenal public transit) I have tried thinking of other options.

We’re anticipate living near Hanauma Bay and therefore, being frequent visitors. With The Girls being such passionate lovers of the environment and my passion of the ocean, it seems to make sense to reach out to the Friends of Hanauma Bay where we can help care for a place I’m sure will feel like our backyard.

I’m also relieved to see that there are not one, but two, YWCA’s (yes, ‘W’...if you are not aware of this organization, please, please, please, just visit their main page) on the island. (No, there shouldn’t even be a need for this organization, however, since there is a need, I’m thrilled that there is a presence.)

Having said all of this, it’s been such a welcome change to not only look forward to what immediately lies ahead of us but also what awaits our return. For the first time, it feels like I’m not running - I’m being purposely guided. What an honor and exciting time.

xo

Teresa

“Land, especially Hawaiian ancestral lands”

— ‘Āina

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture, and is proud to serve on The Queen’s Court.

Aloha Calling - A Limited Life in O‘ahu is a personal blog series written by Maryland Artist and Photographer, Teresa Robertson. Gifted the opportunity to reside in O‘ahu with her family for 3 months, Teresa wanted to provide herself and others a way to not take this gift for granted and ensure that her experience was one to learn from, reflect on, and teach others. Through these words, she hopes to do just that.

Rainbow, sandwiched between water and sky. Māmala Bay (off of Waikiki Beach), Hawaii.

• Home found.

• Home partially secured.

• Family and friends notified.

• Clients contacted.

• Packing begun.

• Volunteer opportunities recognized.

• Birthday weekend started.

• Stevie Wonder and Jennifer Hudson live.

I am amazed at the amount of people who have stated, ‘I am so excited for you!’ As we’ve notified them of our sudden change for the next few months. Enough to make me question in the past if we’ve had this much support in general or my anxiety/skepticism from previous relationships still haunt me. Regardless…

Nesting, (non pregnancy related), is thriving and well. We think that we’ve settled on a home that will meet my desires of living near locals, learning more about the culture and environments, having easy public transportation while Drew is at work, be flexible with our ‘city’/residential/private adventures, and volunteer as a way to give back to the island and its people.

One thing that struck me this morning was talking to a friend who said, ‘For completely selfish reasons, I already can’t wait for you to come back!’ To which I reminded him of our last week-long stay in Oahu and how the after effects haunted me for months. Coming back to a project is both welcomed and appreciated.

While I have longed to return to the island, I’ve been pleasantly surprised at my security knowing I will return to our Maryland home. Despite previous yearly moves (and this specific house being the longest tenured I’ve yet to live in my life) this move feels different; needed, but not without ending. We will take advantage of and enjoy our stay, we will come home, and we will feel secure.

This weekend holds the funeral of Aretha Franklin in Michigan (my birth state), John McCains arrival in Annapolis, and my ‘baby’s 6th birthday. As Miranda Lambert sings from our southern home, we got roots, though far apart, and we got wings.

xo

Teresa

“No problem, no trouble.”

— A‘ole pilikia

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture, and is proud to serve on The Queen’s Court.

Aloha Calling - A Limited Life in O‘ahu is a personal blog series written by Maryland Artist and Photographer, Teresa Robertson. Gifted the opportunity to reside in O‘ahu with her family for 3 months, Teresa wanted to provide herself and others a way to not take this gift for granted and ensure that her experience was one to learn from, reflect on, and teach others. Through these words, she hopes to do just that.

Surfers off of Waikiki Beach in O‘ahu

• Homeschooling options?Check.

• Washer and Dryer accommodations? Check.

• Clients cared for? Check.

• Public bus route confirmation? Check.

• Colleague and Industry peers accounted for?Check.

48 hours ago I had been working on what I felt was one of the biggest compliments I have ever received: being asking to teach a Photography and Lighting workshop on behalf of Now I Lay Me Down to sleep in New York City, D.C., Atlanta, and Baltimore. What an honor. What an amazing opportunity!

Fast forward - or, at this point, backwards - 24 hours: My family has been gifted the chance to go and live in Oahu, Hawaii for three months. In two weeks. 10 days into the new 2018-2019 school year.

It was just like that: Ahola came calling.

xo

Teresa

“Gift, present”

— Makana

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture, and is proud to serve on The Queen’s Court.

Aloha Calling - A Limited Life in O‘ahu is a personal blog series written by Maryland Artist and Photographer, Teresa Robertson. Gifted the opportunity to reside in O‘ahu with her family for 3 months, Teresa wanted to provide herself and others a way to not take this gift for granted and ensure that her experience was one to learn from, reflect on, and teach others. Through these words, she hopes to do just that.  

Manoa Falls is a 150-foot waterfall located in the Manoa Falls Trail in Honolulu, Hawaii.

Aloha and welcome to my journey. It feels like a dream that we will be 'moving' (though only for three months) to O‘ahu, I am hoping to make this trip much more than that. There must be a reason God is calling us back and I want to honor this gift that's been given to me. I hope to use this blog as a way to remember our time, learn from our actions, and inspire others to do more. 

xo

Teresa

“Love of the land; to nurture and care for the land.”

— Aloha ‘āina

Teresa Robertson received her Bachelor’s of Fine Art degree in Photography and Fine Art Illustration from the Savannah College of Art and Design. After serving as a volunteer for several years with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, she became interested in Birth Photography and Birth Doula (DONA) work as well. She soulfully resides on the island of Oahu, is passionate about preserving the land and culture, and is proud to serve on The Queen’s Court.